I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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