my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
