you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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