my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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