Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
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Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
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Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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