Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
