yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
