party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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