I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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