he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
