Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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