Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
