Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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