My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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