She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
