I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
