I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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