I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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