Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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