Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
