I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
home. puking in laundry basket.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
