HIV tests are more positive than that guy
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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