I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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