The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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