I feel great
I just peed on a car
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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