my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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