Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
