I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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