My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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