the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We have started to decorate penises.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
