i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
