Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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