Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
