what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
