fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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