I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
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Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
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Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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