You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
