I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
