If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
