alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
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Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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