At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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