Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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