the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
