I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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