I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
