Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
