Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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