He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
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He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
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Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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