I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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