WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
