I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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