I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
