I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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