I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
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She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
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You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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