yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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