so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
