i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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