Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
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You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
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She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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