He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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