This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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