If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
